THIS TIME LAST YEAR...

I sit down to write this and a week hasn't passed since your big day, I can't help but reflect almost every hour of this week on what life was like 'this time last year', I'll be honest, it wasn't good. We had you, the greatest gift of all but you hung in the balance of life and suddenly everything I thought that would be important; the colour of your eyes, how much hair you had, if you looked more like daddy or mummy and if you weighed more than your brother, none of that mattered anymore it all seemed so insignificant and something I wasn't sure if we'd ever get to find out. I tried, really hard to push my mind to the future and think about how insignificant your NICU stay would feel in a years time, but a year seemed too far when I really just wanted to know if you'd still be ok tomorrow.

This was never going to be an easy post to write, but it's one I knew I had to do. I would be a liar if I said that my mind hasn't been consumed with the thoughts of Patricks birth and the aftermath recently. It's the last thing I think about when I sleep and the first thing that enters my mind when I wake, I know I'm one of the lucky ones, we're a family that got away with our baby and that isn't always the case, yet I still feel so sensitive to his entry to the world - it wasn't what we expected and I don't think I'll ever come to terms with that. Since around October I've been quite ok with everything that happened, I know he had a rough start but I was confident that was so far behind us and I still have that mindset. I've never fully accepted the idea I probably suffered from a little bit of PTSD, though I guess it's quite natural when an event so unexpected evokes every single emotion from you at such a heightened level. Recently I have seen little reminders of how life was, I saw the timehops of my induction day, then his birth announcement and then the pictures when things went a little downhill. I see other parents posting photos in our little NICU group, it's their smalls first birthdays too and I remember them well from our stay with Patrick.

I know my son is so much stronger now, sometimes I myself even have to question whether this baby now was that baby then, he seems so resilient. But we're stronger too, as a family, nothing could have prepared us for what we all went through and ultimately it's the reason why I'm pretty confident we wont have another child - the fear, the fear of tears in a maternity ward with no baby, hearing the beeping of sats monitors ringing through your ears, weighing nappies and syringing milk through an ng tube. I don't know if we could take that again, but I'm certain my heart couldn't. In your room there is a memory box in your wardrobe, inside it contains a little bag that's labelled 'Patrick's NICU stay' with a smiley face, at first when the ladies told me they were collecting bits and pieces to pop into it on your first day with them, I did wonder 'Who on earth would want to be reminded of this time?' - now looking back I see why it's so important, for some families, that small bag is all they'll have left. They don't get to go into a bedroom and tiptoe past a sleeping baby to peep into the bag, the bag is all they have and that really hits a nerve. We're so lucky, you are a fighter, you're our fighter and I wouldn't ever want to imagine life without you. Yes, I wish your start had been easier but I know I'm going to spend the rest of my life making sure you realise how lucky we feel to have you here.