MY BIGGEST REGRETS

Motherhood came as a bit of a surprise for me, it wasn't something we planned, so I almost just stumbled into it - I didn't have a clue what I was doing if I'm honest. So it's safe to say that I really began my journey by winging it every step of the way, not that much has changed in the four years, though I'm definitely a lot more confident in my abilities as a parent, which I guess is key when you've got little ones looking up to you for reassurance. Even if you're clueless inside, as a Mum you almost have to appear like you've got it together don't you? Over the past years there has been so many things I wish I'd done, or that I wish I didn't do, motherhood is a huge learning curve and naturally in life, there will be regrets. I am no exception to that.

This isn't going to be some groundbreaking admissions post, so if you're looking for that you're probably going to be a little disappointed. But it is my way of reflecting on what I may have done differently, should we have had another child - which again, to be the bearer of bad news, that isn't going to happen.

I have never graced a village hall, children's centre, or any other venue hosting a gaggle of babies and mothers (or dads!) And I really regret it, with Noah I didn't really mind too much but with Patrick maternity leave was definitely a little lonely and mundane. Especially as he was a very highly strung child, sometimes I just needed some adult company and even if that was sitting in a circle singing twinkle twinkle little star, I'm sure it would have been better than sat at home on my lonesome. Maybe if I went to a baby group I'd have felt differently and knew I hadn't missed out on anything spectacular, but it'll always be a 'what if'.

I look back over the months and I have countless photos of the boys, you'd have to look very hard to find a date that I didn't snap a photograph of them. Something I'm actually really happy I've done because those memories are completely invaluable, little moments that we'd have otherwise forgotten. Even videos that I can listen to and notice how much they've changed, their voices, their mannerisms, it's just fantastic. But I'm nowhere to be seen, so busy stuck behind a lens and focusing on the boys that I forgot to ever be in the picture. I almost always looked crappy, in my pyjamas and hair that is in desperate need of a wash - but when they look back at their childhood they're not going to care about that. I'm really trying to improve on this and shove the camera at John more so he can capture me too.

Confidence now isn't something I lack when it comes to parenting. I know my boys, I've got over four years behind me and I think I have a vague clue with what I'm doing. I can take criticism and have it roll off my back, but a few years ago I would have been a shadow of my now self. I had no clue, as with most new mothers, but I couldn't even act like I did. I doubted myself constantly, yet here is Noah a beautiful four year old I couldn't be prouder of, I didn't ruin him or break him. I just wish I'd know back then that as long as I had the best interests, it would be ok.

We have no professional photos of the boys as newborns, and at the time I thought they were a huge con, a rip off and something that was not to be bought into. Now, I really wish I'd just spent the money, because my photography skills back then leave a lot to be desired. We do however have photos of them every single year done professionally, and that's lovely to see, but I wish we'd have just splurged at the time as we'll never get that time back. I want the photos of them all squishy and rolly in a flowerpot, or fast asleep curled up in a white blanket. With Patrick we didn't even get offered the bounty photos as he was straight off to NICU and obviously nobody wants to be reminded of their baby like that.