PARENTAL WORRIES

I think from the moment you see those two blue lies, the word 'pregnant' or a little red cross on that stick, you're saddled with worry. It's natural, and I think I'd be worried if I didn't worry which is every bit as silly as it sounds. It can vary drastically, from worrying if your kids will eat their lunch at school that day - maybe they'll be hungry, what if they don't drink enough and feel super thirsty? Then there are the bigger things, the stuff that creeps into your mind at three o'clock in the morning to keep you awake at night, what happens to my kids when I'm not around? Will they have their own family, house and life? The scale of worry is a vast one, but it's never ending as a parent, you can't escape it from the moment you're aware of their existence.

I once saw an image that I really spoke to me, it looked at the emotional baggage we carry around as mothers and whilst I can fully relate to that, all the little chores that I know my other half certainly doesn't have to think about, such as the laundry, making sure the outfits are out for the day ahead, packing bags, ensuring homework is done, planning and getting the food shopping - I know he carries probably just as much of his own that I'm not aware of. As parents we put a lot on ourselves, and I wanted to share the rational and irrational worries that crop into my mind on a weekly basis, most of them can't be solved, but the worry is still there nonetheless.

My biggest worry is always how the boys lives will pan out in the future, even when I'm not around to worry about them any more. It was a huge factor in us wanting a second baby, because heaven forbid Noah didn't have a family of his own - I wanted him to have someone there still. All pretty valid thoughts I'd like to think, and ones I'm sure I'm not alone in having. Nobody likes to think that when they're not here to protect or look out for their kids, that they would have no one else. It's not just about family though is it? It's about a stable life. Will they settle into a good job as soon as they're out of education, will they flitter around for years on end first? Maybe they'll have children of their own before they've even decided on what career path they want to follow? We just never know and the not knowing is hard when you can't sleep during the early hours. I'd love to think my boys will live full lives, be sat using useful tools for retirement planning to do all of the things they never got time to whilst they were younger.

October is a month of all kinds of weather at the moment, which I can't complain too much about as it still hits twenty degrees some days. But, my brain can have a grumble. I'll lay awake in bed at night and think about my boy at school tomorrow, I'll send him with a coat but what if he gets too hot and doesn't want to ask to take it off? What if he does remove it and forgets where he's put it, he's only four after all? Maybe it'll rain, he'll have gone onto the playground without it and he'll be cold. All these ridiculous worries because I know I won't be there to take care of those problems for him.

Patrick isn't without causing worry either, very much the opposite and that little one has caused us enough distress from the moment he began to exist - not through his own fault of course. But he's two now, and yet I still can't bring myself to register him for childcare. I know it'll be good for him, but he still feels so little and dainty, he's still my baby and I'm afraid if he goes into a playgroup even for one day a week - that we'll lose a part of that bond. It's stupid, I know it's stupid, but he used to be so poorly when he attended nursery and I don't really want to revisit that situation again. Forever weighing up the scales of rationality and swapping weights around so they tip in my favour, I know.

There should be some kind of tattoo that comes with parenthood, because it certainly feels like there is an invisible one ingrained into your soul from day dot. Even this week whilst the boys are away with my parents, there doesn't go a day, not even a morning or afternoon in which your mind isn't overcome with so many neurotic thoughts. I guess it's part and parcel of parenthood, I'm sure our parents are the same with us and theirs was the same with them.


*This is a collaborative post.