I JUST PREFER TO BE BEHIND THE CAMERA

I've tried really hard lately, to put myself in pictures more, as one of my 2018 goals I feel like I've done quite well. Though I rarely show the photos, whenever I have my camera and I'm snapping away pictures of the boys, I try my best to grab a couple with myself in the frame even when I really don't want to. To be honest the whole being in front of the camera lark isn't my cup of tea, though I love photography and scrolling aimlessly through social media to see what my favourite families have been up to through their inspiring images, I certainly don't enjoy being the focal point. And I think, that's ok.

I find quite often that bloggers can be perceived as wanting to showcase everything. Especially parenting or lifestyle bloggers because we share so much of our lives, the highs, the lows and everything in between. It can come across as though we don't hold anything back, which isn't true. There's so much I don't share and nobody would know that because of that exact reason, I simply don't share it. How can someone know that they're missing out on something they haven't heard about? Writing a blog doesn't mean you're oozing with confidence and because you list your thoughts online that you like everyone looking firmly in your direction. I certainly don't. I wouldn't class myself as shy, far from it, I'm a typical Gemini and if I'm not feeling confident, I can usually feign it. But sometimes, heck way more than sometimes, most of the time I just don't want to be in the picture.

The reasons aren't anything spectacular, I just really really enjoy being the one snapping the pictures. I know what I want and if they're for a reason, such as a brand photo or blog post, then I feel like only I can get the shot. I'm pretty rubbish at giving any sort of creative direction, I can't articulate myself very well and I'm not well versed in the correct photography terms, so it's a struggle if I'm not the one clicking capture. John will nod along to this when he reads it, I couldn't tell you the amount of bickering that occurs if I pass the camera to him and I know the problem isn't him, well it kind of is, he just can't read my mind - which, I don't think would hold up as a defence should I carry out the thoughts that cross my mind during those moments, would it? The famous saying, never work with children or animals springs to mind, because photographing my two has never been harder. Gone are the days I can plonk Patrick down and get him to sit still, and Noahs slowly becoming more reluctant to sit pretty for the flash and so I have to get inventive. I'm opting for moments over poses lately, though initially when I look back through photos I assume we haven't got anything of merit - when I look closer I notice all those moments that simply passed me by when they happened, because I was stuck behind the lens. Those moments that I'm so grateful now to have captured, because otherwise they'd have been lost forever. Erik Almas I am not, but I do love capturing photos.

And then there is the comfort zone which I am well and truly in when I'm not in front of a camera, but instead behind it. We're three months into the year and therefore my goal at attempting to be in the pictures more and whilst I know that I'm improving on last year, it still feels like a huge chore. I don't enjoy it and those pictures are never my favourite. But, should I let my own confidence and comfort zone stop my children from growing up with pictures of their Mum, no, that would be silly. I look back now at times when I wish I'd been in the photos, I remember Patricks birth and how emotionally unstable I felt, but I still took the photos, every day I got photos of us together in NICU and afterwards - even if I was lounging in my pyjamas I made sure I had them no matter how rubbish I felt at the time. Of course now they're a treasure trove of precious moments and memories, that I know my future self will always be grateful for. After all, we have such amazing technology today that it would simply be a sin not to take full advantage of it. All we leave behind are our memories, and I am trying to look like I exist in mine. Just sometimes, I prefer to be behind the camera.