Life at the moment is a little bit crazy, I feel completely consumed by tiredness most of the time. In fact, I don't really recall the last time I didn't feel tired. I'm sure that's a standard for most parents, but it's engulfing me lately and I can't see a way out from the tiredness cloud that hangs over me every single day. I work 32 hours a week, I'm a mother of two and I blog in all of my spare time, that's probably a good indication of why I'm so tired but none of those things are going to stop, so what does that say for this permanent state of exhaustion?
I cast my mind back to being heavily pregnant with Patrick, working at 40 hour week, and having a toddler at home. It was hard work and I knew the strain being pregnant put on everything, I was constantly fatigued but there was always an end, I knew I'd be off work for maternity leave soon and then I'd give birth and slowly but surely the newborn would sleep through, then everything would be back to normal, right? Wrong. I'm now way past all of those assumptions, and things aren't any easier, is it possible everything has have gotten worse? Patrick is never reliable in the sleep department, I guess compared to some children he sleeps great, but when I do the natural parent thing and match him to Noah at this age, he sleeps quite badly. There is usually a wake up at some point during the night, it's never more than three times and rarely lasts a minute in total but that disturbance in sleep is enough to throw anyone off. I've always been firm in the idea that I would rather get one small block of solid sleep, than three of four small intervals, I run better on the big chunks and at the minute, I'm not getting that. Sleep, I can push aside, sure waking up isn't easy and I almost always want to hide under my duvet but thankfully John is more than willing to get up that bit earlier should Patrick wake from his slumber before our alarm clocks. After a coffee or two I can forget the rough night and plough through the morning, but come early afternoon it's as if I'm facing a brick wall, it's 3000ft high and it's marked quite clearly 'exhaustion'. As the infamous book depicts, I can't go under it, I can't go over it, I'm going to have to... what? What am I going to do? Because currently I get around it, I find a job to do in the house, we go out for a walk, I guzzle down water, squash or coffee to push me through till the evening when I finally start to feel it ease up a little.
I've heard every combat technique in the book, go to sleep earlier, forget about the blog work for a while and just 'relax', try and cut down your hours at work. None of them really solve the issue, it's as if I have so much I want to get done, but not enough time. In the evenings I'm torn between wanting to do the said 'relaxing', whack on a face mask and watch documentaries for hours on end or go to bed early. Which one is it? But then if I do either of those, who's going to fold all the washing and drying and put it away? We don't get home till gone six o'clock most evenings, tea has to be cooked and the boys have to be bathed and bedded, it's usually closer to eight o'clock before we even have a moment to think about what we want to do. There just isn't enough time. I have to make sacrifices and plagued by the thoughts of 'nobody remembers the nights they slept well', sleep is usually the first thing that's gone. It doesn't seem to matter regardless, if I'm in bed at 8pm or 1am, the tiredness still hits the same time, in the same way, every single day - like a bulldozer.
I guess this is one of those mind dump posts, because there isn't really a solution until I find a way to balance it all. I'm hoping Patrick will suddenly start sleeping through and that will be the end of those night time calls, I can't say I'll be one of those parents who misses those early morning snuggles because they've been the bane of my life for the past six months. Until then I'll keep a coffee cup in one hand and something sugary in the other.
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