When I first realised I'd have to share my time with my sons, it panicked me, quite understandable I think so? I felt as though I was going to miss out on so much, our bond wouldn't be as strong and it would just overall be a bit sucky. While the last point stands, the first two do not. I know without any question that not getting every single night and day with my boys, has not lessened their love for me and certainly hasn't with mine for them, if anything it's heightened. I miss them like crazy when they're not around and I find myself using my time without them thinking of ways to make our time together much more exciting. And that right there is the biggest difference.
I'm not saying that I took our time together for granted, or maybe in a roundabout way I am, I think we're probably all guilty of that in some form at one time or another. However I'm just so much more aware of how precious our days together are, especially on a weekend and that feeling I'm sure will only double when Patrick starts school too. I realistically only get one day a week just me and my boys, John takes them on a Sunday morning so it's just a Saturday that is ours all together.

I've spoke briefly on Instagram before on how small things would definitely overwhelm me in the past, I'm not going to go as far as to say I had suffered with anxiety as I think that's such a big issue and I don't want to detract away from people who genuinely suffer on a regular basis, whatever I had was very mild but some things did indeed make me feel anxious. Living alone has pushed me out of my comfort zone and forced me to do the things that previously I'd have put off and avoided, nothing even crazy, just taking both boys to somewhere busy and little things like that. I have no choice anymore, my safety net was gone and ultimately I had to step up.

Now when it's me and them we're always trying to do something, it doesn't have to be big but just creating memories that had we been a unit of four still we may not have done. It's not that there's anything wrong with sitting in, having pyjamas day or just hanging around the house, but I know if we do that I feel full of regret the whole week long then whilst they're in school or playgroup and we don't have those opportunities or free time. It feels like a missed chance and I don't want to spend my sons childhoods clocking up missed chances, I'd sooner fill it with memories. It's made things a little more expensive sure, but I know when summer comes along that we'll be able to do so much more that will cost a fraction of the price, if anything at all. The rain and wind this winter has not been kind, in the coming months however I'm excited to clock up some farm and zoo visits, as well as heading out on picnics and national park trails. I also can’t wait to do some more Baby Photoshoot projects and capture all the memories that we create together.

I know that we can't do everything all the time but as long as my boys know that we can do somethings some of the time, then I'm happy. They know they can get to the weekend and we'll be adventuring, even if it's a few games at a bowling alley or a pick n mix at the Odeon - I don't want them to associate our time together with being boring and I think I'm doing that pretty well. It does mean I've been less active on social media, I'm just so busy enjoying my time with my boys that I realise how truly insignificant a grammable picture really is - but that's a whole other story.


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