You know we go through parenthood telling our kids not to lie, to be honest and tell the truth and yet here I am sharing the lies that I most definitely tell on a weekly basis. I think telling little sneaky lies as parents is pretty standard and so I'm sure I'm not alone. There are so many pointless alternate facts that are weaved into childhood as almost unwritten rules, that eating crusts will make your hair curly, and carrots make you see in the dark - it just seems part and parcel that sometimes, we have to tell untruths to basically get what we want. Let's not sugar coat it, it's out and out blackmail and I don't know if I'd get through the weeks as easily if I didn't use some of these classics.

Sometimes you just want to sneak away into the kitchen and eat treats, but we all know that any form of isolation or alone time when the kids are awake is pretty much non-existent. It just doesn't happen, pigs will fly first. Even when I try to fool myself and attempt it, I'm usually caught mid bite by one of the boys and then demands for a 'where's my one' or 'can I have some', I try and fail, every time. TILL, pretty recently I learnt a new trick that truly works wonders and if you haven't tried it yet you can thank me later. 'It's too spicy for you' Try it! It doesn't matter if you're eating a red hot vindaloo or some cheese and onion crisps, if you tell them it's too spicy and it'll burn their mouth, watch them retreat. I even usually add in a few sound effects as I eat just for the extra. It means I don't have to hide out in the corner of the kitchen with my face in a cupboard and it means I can eat whatever I'm eating, entirely to myself, if that isn't a parenting win I don't know what is.


We've just passed Christmas so I think it's safe to say most of us have exhausted the next big lie, but it's one I still whip out every now and again, it's the good old fashioned 'Santa is watching'. It's pretty standard and one I'm sure we've all used at some point, if you haven't then I can safely say you're a better human than me because during December, heck even from November it's usually said daily. We even went a step further this year and picked up a dummy Santa cam from home bargains, it sits in the corner of the room and flashes red every now and again. I even hear Pip telling Noah now when he's misbehaving 'Santa's watching you Noah' and pointing to it. Job well done I say.

Getting your kids to do anything some days can be a giant chore, and it's usually those days when you actually have lots to do and little time to do it in. Winter is my least favourite in general, I prefer summer, especially abroad with some nice air conditioning, but in terms of the boys Winter season to get the kids out of the house, is painful, for obvious reasons but also trying to wangle hats, gloves, scarves, anything onto them and keep them on before we leave is a challenge. I'm fortunate now the boys aren't too bad, but it can be anything from a wrong coloured welly or the fingers not being exactly how they want in a glove to tip them over the edge. So I lie, I tell them if they do not wear just what I need them to, and keep it on, then they're not allowed to go outside - the police will tell them off. I'm not sure if police make the rounds these days for non-glove-wearing in February, but my boys certainly think so.

I know I am not alone in hating Peppa Pig, there is just no way on this earth any parent out there can say they enjoy that show. In fact, if I'm ever kidnapped or held ransom, I'd probably put my social media status' to 'I love Peppa' and then that's a sure fire way someone would know something is wrong. She drives me crazy, however as the universe works in wonderful ways, Patrick is obsessed. Daily, he wants Peppa, nightly, he wants Peppa. It doesn't matter to him how many times I've heard 'flying high, in the skyyy' he will want it again and again, so I developed probably my favourite white lie, 'that show is broken today' At first he was pissed, he was angry and he didn't really understand how or why, but as long as you let them have it again after a few days, they come to accept that sometimes that's just how it is. Yes son, sometimes Mummy cannot stand bratty Peppa.

The lies don't stop at ruining their television fun though, oh no, I turn fully neurotic with toys too. Some toys, usually the ones you didn't buy because you don't enjoy torturing yourself, are just not 'everyday' kind of toys, you know the kind that don't have an off button? We have a few that one wrong move and they're going on and on for hours, or musical instruments like drums and I'm pretty sure my sister even bought Patrick cymbals one year. Yes CYMBALS, with a lovely Peppa pig on - how thoughtful. But in the same respect as our delightful friendly pig, these toys need a day off, sometimes a week, or other times they go forever and when they go searching for the noisy as hell toy, what do we say? 'Oh it's broken and Daddy will fix it' That usually bides me at least a day of silence.

I know lying is wrong, we teach them daily to always tell the truth, but in these cases lying is very much the right thing to do. They're white lies and if it saves sanity, or means we can eat a bar of chocolate without sharing it with drooling chins, then I'm all for whatever means possible. I'm sure when my boys get bigger and have families of their own, they'll go on to do exactly the same, it's like a code of conduct for surviving parenthood.

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